2007-08-15

I attended my third "informational meeting" on adoption last night. The first two I went with my husband, Tim, but he's out of town this week.  

The first meeting we went to was with Massachusetts' foster-to-adopt program. Sad to admit, but our immediate reaction after the meeting ended was There's no way we're going to do this!  

It was clear that the state's main goal was (as it should be) to keep children with their family. And neither Tim nor I could imagine taking in and falling in love with a child, only to risk losing him or her to parents who finally got off drugs, out of prison, or otherwise turned their lives around.  

Then there were the mandatory weekly visits, where the child gets to spend time (in theory) with his or her birth parent(s). These were described to us as usually being traumatic for the child, especially when the parent(s) fail to show up. We were told it often took a week for the child to recover from such visits, and of course by then it’s time for the next one.  

And finally there's the requirement that foster parents can’t take a child out of state unless prior approval is given by the biological parent(s). When you live in a region of small states like we do, "out of state" happens all the time—whether it's across the border to New Hampshire for shopping, or heading down to Rhode Island for a cookout with the relatives.  

I'm in awe of those who can handle all these obstacles and become adoptive parents through the foster system. But it just wasn't for us.  

Our second informational meeting went much better. The agency, Wide Horizons for Children, was quite impressive: no hype, no sugar-coating, just a really professional, straight-forward presentation by experienced people who clearly know what they're doing. We felt completely confident about them, and might have filled out an application on the spot, except for one (not so small) problem. They didn't have a Vietnam program. 

Hmmm.   

Ever since I suspected, back in 2003, that I might not be able to have biological children, my adoption thoughts naturally drifted toward Vietnam. It's where I was born, where I still have countless relatives, and somehow it just made sense to me that that's where my child would come from. So it was disappointing to like an agency as much as we liked Wide Horizons, and yet not be able to pursue the adoption we wanted with them. 

Months went by after that experience. Months spent in decision-making limbo. In uncertainty, ambivalence, fear. Lots of fear. Maybe we didn't need to have a child at all? Our lives are good; we have freedom. And then there's the fact that we're "older"—maybe too old to take on something so huge?  

We hemmed and hawed. We just didn't know. And them something changed. I can't explain it. But one day last week we just said Let's do it! And now, after all this time, it looks like we are. 

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